Hardee's Latest Hamburger: Does It Live up to the Commercial? (Humor Review)

What is Hardee's doing?!?!

The latest Hardee's commercial is a prime example of what fast food nation advertising has become in the United States. Skimpily dressed models in shorts too tiny to cover the assets of the posterior. Halter tops too small to hide the gifts of family genetics. Sweating bodies intertwine in facade of sensual battle. And, all of this as the new Memphis Barbeque Thickburger is shared by two models that have never digested a hamburger in their lives!

Just what most guys like!

I ask you, is there no truth in advertising? If we can't believe what we see on television or the internet, what can we believe?

I mean, just look at these bodies being exhibited! These are celery and carrot stick bodies that have a side of protein shake for desert, not hamburger munchers!

Watch this video of the commercial closely!

Oh, the humanities! Brothers and sisters, what does it take to sell hamburgers in today's world!

Indecent displays of this type are typical in the world we reside in these times of innocence. . How dare the supporters of this genre contaminate the eyes of those who cannot see beyond the pleasures of the flesh! Shame on you for even watching the video, even though I told you to!

If you're a guy, I bet your eyes never left the screen!

I say, since when do you find two girls like this behind a grill? You don't! Not even in Hooters! Girls like this stay far away from grills. They know that the temptations of the aroma and the sizzling of cooking meat will cause them to gain 10 pounds and lose the sweet and gentle livelihood they‘ve pursued. These two obviously were paid well for their culinary efforts, among other things.

Did Hardee's pay these two a huge amount to do this commercial without having the product to back it up?

That was a question that finally came to mind after viewing this disgusting commercial for the twentieth time. Should I, a representative of the innocent in America, take a trek to the local Hardee’s and see? Should I make the sacrifice of showering, getting out of my sweats, and using vital gas reserves to see if this sandwich was worth the sacrifice of the Hardee’s brethren to pay these two models the outrageous sums of money to perform as they did?

Before deciding, I decided to watch the commercial one more time!

Yes, I will make this sacrifice for those who read and wonder. I will travel to the nearest pit of hamburger sin and force myself to venture along the thin line between morality and damnation. Who, among you, can say I’m not loyal to my followers?

Fifteen minutes later, I was facing the Friday evening traffic. Dodging texters and avoiding smoochers who couldn’t wait for a red light, my life was in mortal danger. I sped faster, weaving in and out of three lanes as I hoped to leave these hazards behind. Red light delays became my nemesis. Yet, within seven minutes, I arrived at the pit to eternal darkness and supposed hamburger bliss.

I found myself to be the eighth car in the drive up window lane. Secretly, I pulled out my camera to take pictures of my visit should I not survive. At least my journey would be documented if the armed security guards came rushing out and laid down a barrage of lead projectiles in response to my journalistic endeavor.

I wondered, “Are those ahead of me on a quest for their readers also, or are they the "already damned" that no longer have a choice in the direction their life is going?” I shuddered at the answers I envisioned.

Ten minutes later, I had advanced two spots in line. Bored, I found a fly with one wing torn by my power window. I removed him and enjoyed minutes of childhood pleasure watching it spin circles on the dashboard. "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Now, the menu board was within sight. Still too far away to make out pricing, I could just make out a picture of the object of my quest in the center spotlight area. It had to be at least one fourth of the entire menu board. But, had Hardee’s forgotten to pay the models? Only the hamburger was pictured! Disappointment rose as I pulled forward.

Now, the menu was to my left. I found that the sandwich came in three sizes. They had brought me here with lies and visions of goddesses of beauty being present to feed me as I lay on my back lounging in the lap of another. (Okay, they hadn’t implied that at all, but we all have dreams!) I chose the middle 1/3 lb. size.

“Yeah, what do you need?”

A male voice, mumbling those words through the speaker cast aside all expectations of any of these scantily clad beauties awaiting. Not even a “How can I help you?” (I guess Hardee’s and Walmart hire the same class of employees.)

“I’ll take a 1/3 pound Memphis BBQ Thickburger combo, medium, with a Diet Coke. Oh, and add a Little Thickburger, also." (My cat, Gabriela, had asked me to pick up one for her, as she felt she needed some home cooking for a change.)

“$11.64.”

Not much for politeness or small talk, was he? Anyway, 10 minutes later, I finally reached the drive up window.

A twenty year old male, with sideburns resembling those of a wookie, opened the window and repeats his immortal words, “$11.64.”

I’m glad he reminded me. After ten minutes, anyone can forget. (So kind and yet, such a lad of few words.) Taking my twenty, he turned, grabbed my change, and handed it to me without saying a word. Customer service at it’s best!

I sat there, remembering the commercial.

Five minutes later, the employee slammed opened the window, handed me the bag, and slammed the window shut without a word. (What do you want to bet he was probably 2011’s Employee of the Year?)

I raced home, which took 1/3 of the time sitting in line did, took pictures of the eight dollar combo for this article (I’d already given the Little Thickburger to Gabriela) and sat down to see if it really was as good as the commercial projected.

My first bite told the story. The barbeque sauce used was extremely heavy and sweet. My mouth reacted the same as it had when I was a child and had taken a drink of lemonade after having chewed a Sweet Tart.

Gabriela, my demon cat, smirked and said, “Oh, the devil is roaring with laughter!”

I could almost taste the barbequed pork, and almost taste the hamburger, but couldn’t make out the onion strips or cheese at all. With every bite, the taste demanded more and more Diet Coke to clean the palate. Upon rare occasion, the pork taste did somewhat appear, but was quickly overcome by the BBQ sauce. And then, it was over.

I was a little disappointed. It wasn’t quite what the commercial had indicated. Or, was it?

I needed to watch the commercial again.

No, not quite as portrayed. So, I decided to let the nutritional value speak for itself. This was where Hardee's would shine! There was no doubt. Surely, they would do their best to provide us with a healthy meal. I went to www.Hardees.com and sought out this vital information.

Add a small fries and await the paramedics arrival.

Luckily, it was my only meal for the day. and I managed to stay under 1200 calories. Also, I'd given myself enough fat and sodium content to last two weeks. What a sacrifice I made for my brethren.

Sitting here, finishing this article one hour later, I’m extremely sleepy, have a loud ringing in my ears, and have no energy to do anything. In addition, my cat is already asleep and snoring loudly. Half of her sandwich still remains. (These are some noted side affects of unhealthy fast food.)

My other cat, Faletame, is lying on his back laughing! “You two are crazy! Where’s my Little Friskies?”

I again turn to the commercial to see if any warnings were presented.

Nope! Not even that can renew my vitality. Brothers and sisters, I ventured too close and crossed the line. I fear until after the nap I’m about to partake of, I have caused my stomach to enter the valley of the damned. I can only pray for mercy.

Would I recommend the new burger?

Even though everyone has their own taste preferences, the sandwich I received had way too much BBQ sauce for my taste. If Black Angus Beef and real pulled pork is indeed being used (which there is no reason to doubt), it is my preference to taste some of it.

In my opinion, only if you love barbeque sauce more than you enjoy tasting meat, and don’t mind giving yourself enough calories and sodium to last for days could you really enjoy this offering. Yet, everyone has their own likes and dislikes. Give it a shot and let me know what you think!

Or, do yourself a favor. Watch the commercial one more time and forget about the sandwich.

Kind of makes you hungry, though.

I wonder if Hardee's has salads?

©Copyright RCRUMPLE2012. All Rights Reserved